


Love, or the lack thereof.

by cupidmin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Best Friends, Boys In Love, Communication, Crying, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee Are Best Friends, Love Confessions, M/M, Mark Lee (NCT) is Whipped, Mental Breakdown, Mentioned Na Jaemin, Mentioned Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Sad Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, markhyuck just need a hug lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:01:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29072982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cupidmin/pseuds/cupidmin
Summary: “He’s ruining you, Hyuckie. Please, move on.” Jaemin had said, a hand patting his back. Donghyuck had shook his head to indicate a no.Or, Donghyuck, Mark and a little string that holds together whatever they have.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 8
Kudos: 73





	Love, or the lack thereof.

**Author's Note:**

> umm yes enjoy this mess ty  
> ps: theres an implied panic attack so pls don't read if that triggers you !!
> 
> – not beta read so pls lmk if there's any errors :D

Donghyuck checks his phone once. The empty screen says enough. 

Mark’s ignoring him. Mark’s busy doing god knows what with Yukhei, and so, here sits Donghyuck, tears streaking down the pretty canvas of his skin like drops of dirty water, staining him and hurting him more than anything ever has. 

He lets his head sink down, back curling inwards as he finally let’s go, and _cries._

He doesn’t care how cold the surface of the table is, the marble platform feeling like ice pressed against the underside of his arms. He doesn’t care if he’s crying in the middle of their goddamn kitchen out of some stupid heartache and over a dumb boy that he’s absolutely in love with, because he’s been holding it in for so long, and really, the dam was bound to break eventually. _He_ was bound to break eventually. 

Four goddamn years of being in love with Mark Lee, and four fucking years of crying himself to sleep everytime Mark goes out with someone. 

Thing is, Donghyuck doesn’t just fall in love. He literally falls, he fucking plummets. He divulges himself into the feeling, and loves the person so much that all he sees is them. They become Donghyucks whole world. 

And Mark? He doesn’t even notice. 

“He’s ruining you, Hyuckie. Please, move on.” Jaemin had said, a hand patting his back. Donghyuck had shook his head to indicate a no. 

He’s been living like this. He’s gotten used to living like this, being in love with Mark. Noticing everything about him, and looking at him with warmth surrounding him. 

If he moves on, then what? He can’t remember how he used to be before he loved Mark. 

Mark keeps him happy, Mark keeps him whole. So how can Donghyuck move on, when he’s sure all he’ll feel is emptiness if he does?

Subconsciously, his fingers play with the bracelet that Mark had given him. He was just 9 when Mark had given him that bracelet. Mark was just 10 when Donghyuck gave him one back. He still wears it. Mark doesn’t. Donghyuck pretends not to notice. He still wears it even after it’s broken over a thousand times, he still looks for the broken pieces, and tries to put them together, even though everytime he does, the bracelet looks even worse than before. It’s okay. At Least it’s mended. If it breaks again, he’ll do anything to fix it. Anything. It means too much to him. Too much. 

It looks weird, a mix of brown beads, some bright, hot pink beads and some random ones of different colors and shapes. The colors don’t have any meaning behind them, it doesn’t match any outfit that Donghyuck wears, but even if the colors don’t match, Donghyuck still slips it onto his wrist when he goes out. A lucky charm of some sort. 

When he looks at it, a thousand memories flood in his mind, all that he’s seen a thousand times. All that he’s lived through. Marks smile when he gave Donghyuck the bracelet. Donghyuck was 9. Mark was 10. The shine in Marks eyes when he won his first basketball game, and the way he hugged Donghyuck after, sweat trickling down his forehead, hair wet and sticking to his forehead, but Donghyuck didn’t care, too buzzed with ecstasy, and all he remembers is seeing his bracelet glisten under the moonlight as he wraps his arms around Marks necks. Donghyuck was 11. Mark was 12. The way Marks lips had felt brushing against his, the way he shined, even under the dark shadows of Donghyucks room, and how when their hands brushed against each other, Donghyuck had felt the bracelet on his arms brush against his honey skin, leaving tingles in his wake. That was the first and last time they kissed. That was the day Donghyuck realized that he was in love. Donghyuck was 14. Mark was 15. When Donghyuck had woken up in the middle of the night, dreaming of Mark's fingers dancing and brushing on his body. That night Donghyuck didn’t fall back asleep, and stayed up fidgeting with his bracelet until his fingers ached. Donghyuck was 15. Mark was someone who felt far, far away from him. 

Back then, Donghyuck was scared and confused, and so, he tried to avoid Mark. Things got bad. They talked, and then they were best friends again. Best friends. That was all they ever were. That is all they are. Now, Donghyuck had learned to live with it. To live with knowing that Mark isn’t the same like everyone else. He’s never been– but now that Donghyuck knows, he finds himself falling harder. It’s as if turning a switch has lit the whole room, and he can see every little speck of dust lingering around him. Every little sparkle. Every little detail. 

He’s in love, and so, here sits Donghyuck with his dear heart, thinking about how Mark is probably happy, while he gets ignored, while he gets shut out. 

The sound of a door opening filters through the room, and Donghyuck stills. 

He knows it’s Mark; he’s the only one that has access to their dorm, but Mark wasn’t supposed to come home today, not when the sun starts setting down, and not when the hazy moon floats above at its peak, so why is he here?

Donghyuck hears Mark before he sees him. Mark sighs from the doorway, and Donghyuck holds his breath in hopes that he will stop hyperventilating. Hiding his face in his arms, Donghyuck hopes that Mark just ignores him and assumes that he fell asleep on the dining table. He doesn’t want to argue with him again. 

Mark does exactly the opposite. Donghyuck can hear the way he shuffles his way into the kitchen.

“Yukhei is so sweet!” Mark says, excitedly. Donghyucks heart twinges. 

There’s a short-lived silence. Mark is probably waiting for a response. Here’s the part where Mark will realize that Donghyuck is actually asleep–

“Dude. I know you’re not asleep.”

Donghyuck sniffles softly. Mark sighs.

“Don’t tell me you’re still stingy about what happened earlier.”

Donghyuck gives in. “I’m not.” He whispers, and he’s glad Mark can’t see the tears that spill from his eyes. Maybe not as fast as they were before, but Donghyuck is still hurting, and Mark is making it so much worse. 

Mark sees right through him. “Why aren’t you happy for me?” He asks, and Donghyuck isn’t sure why Mark even bothers. It all ends in the same way anyways.

“Fuck Mark… just… please, let’s not do this today.” Donghyuck exhales and says, and he truly means it, because he feels so vulnerable and naked, and he knows that he’s gonna slip up if Mark doesn’t let it go. 

“No! I just want to know why you can’t accept me going out with someone, and moving on!” 

_Moving on from what?_ Donghyuck thinks. 

“I-I thought you said that I deserved to be happy! We’re fucking best friends, you should–“

Donghyuck winces. “We’re not fucking best friends.”

He hears the way Mark's breath hitches. 

“Best friends don’t fucking ignore each other! I haven’t heard from you in like what? Three days, Mark. Don’t you think I deserve a little more than that?” 

“Says you. You can’t even look me in the face and say that.”

Donghyuck stays silent. 

“That’s what I thought.” Mark says, and then sighs. “Duckie, please. I don’t want to fight with you again. I just wish you wouldn’t be so cold to me.” It hurts for Donghyuck to hear that, because he doesn’t want to cold to Mark, but being with Mark is starting to make his heart ache, and not in a good way. He knows it’s getting too much for him. 

“I’m not being cold… if you care about me, please just let me be. It shouldn’t even be a big deal to you if I approve of whatever dates you go on."

“It shouldn’t matter to me?” Mark scoffs, losing his patience, “You’re my–” Mark halts for a second. “Someone that matters a lot to me.” He settles on saying. Donghyuck cries, silently.

“Please, I’m doing this for myself, just ignore me.” 

"Of fucking course! you're doing this for yourself?! Newsflash Donghyuck, you're hurting me too!" Mark snaps, yelling. 

"I'm sorry." Donghyuck whispers. The apology never reaches Mark's ears due to how feeble it is. 

"Why are you so fucking selfish?! Do you not care about anyone? You're so fucking self centered! Does it hurt for you to give a shit about literally anyone else?!" 

The words feel like shards being thrown at him. They carve into his skin. Donghyuck knows Mark's words are going to haunt him. He knows they'll leave scars, and all Donghyuck can do is sob and tremble until the pain turns numb.

"Stop, Mark…" Donghyuck says, voice cracking. "You don't know what you're saying." Donghyuck doesn't know who he's trying to convince with his words, and Mark doesn't even notice how Donghyuck's crying. He doesn't even try to hide it, but Mark doesn't look at him. Not even once.

"Oh, I know exactly what I'm saying! Why do you have to make everything so hard?!"

Donghyuck's quivering hands find their way through his hair, and Donghyuck tries to feel damaged hair strands between his fingers, because he's too disoriented and needs to ground himself. 

"You aren't the Donghyuck I grew up with. What the fuck has gotten into you?! I can't even recognize you anymore, all you do is be a fucking bitch to me!" 

Donghyuck holds his hair between his fingers as tears keep falling and falling, and all he hears is Mark's screaming and his heartbeat beating so loudly in mind like a bell. A constant reminder of how he feels, and how Mark feels about him. 

"You know what? coming back here was a mistake! Hell, I should've just fucking slept with Yukhei, maybe then you'd tell me why the fuck you don't like him!"

"No...Please, no…" Donghyuck whispers to himself like a mantra, rocking back and forth in his seat. He thinks he's going crazy.

"Literally, You're make me feel so fucking infuriated that I don't even like seeing you! Why can't you just be honest and open up for once, before i start fucking hating you–" 

Donghyuck pulls at his hair. He screams. "Fuck! stop, please! I'm in love with you! okay! there's your answer." Donghyuck wails, "Please, just don't say you hate me. Don't do it Mark, or I won't be able to take it."

He hears Mark gasp, but Donghyuck can't even do anything about it. His hands tremble so hard that it frightens him, and he feels like his throat is closing in on him, getting smaller and smaller as Donghyuck heaves for just a little breath to keep him going. 

Tension lingers in the room like an uninvited guest, Mark says nothing, and Donghyuck is sure he's about to pass out because of how bad his body is reacting.

As he chokes on a sob, Donghyuck wonders just why is he crying so much? how did he reach to this point where he is crying uncontrollably, everything that he's bottles up inside of him finally overflowing and breaking through him. Donghyuck is afraid he might break himself in the process.

Then, he feels two cold hands cup his cheeks, and Donghyuck's face is guided up to be greeted with Mark's face, etched with worry. 

"Fuck...Duckie…" Mark whispers, using the pad of his thumb to wipe the tears that leave stains down his cheeks. It doesn't work. More tears keep coming, and his skin burns under Mark's touch. 

"You're shaking." Mark notes, and reaches out to clutch Donghyuck's hand in his. Donghyuck tries to squeeze Mark's hand back.

"Listen to me, okay?" Mark says, and Donghyuck nods. "Breathe in, slowly." Mark says, and Donghyuck inhales slowly, Mark's finger tapping on top of his hand. Once, twice, thrice, until the pattern is broken by a sniffle. 

"Okay. It's alright, Hyuck, let's try again okay? Breathe in again." Mark's finger taps one time, two, three, four–

"Now exhale slowly for me. You're doing so well." Mark says on the fifth second, sweetly.

Mark waits for another five seconds. and then repeats the exercise.

"Keep doing this, okay?" Donghyuck nods, and tries to maintain his breathing as Mark holds his hand, nodding at him as every few seconds pass. He can feel the storm inside of him subside away, simmering down leisurely. 

"I'm sorry." Donghyuck says after he can breathe stably. He's still shaking, and his head throbs awfully, but he isn't as panicked as he was just a few minutes back, and although tears still escape from his eyes, he feels lighter. He feels better. 

Mark shakes his head, ignoring his words, "Was it true? What you said." 

Donghyuck knows what Mark means. "Yeah." He whispers, looking down to avoid Mark's gaze.

Mark steps closer to him till they're many inches apart. Donghyuck tries to swallow his nerves down. "I- I don't like Yukhei. Romantically, I mean. I only went out with him because I wanted to move on from you." 

Donghyuck's breath stutters. "Mark–" he tries to say, looking up at Mark with wide eyes, but Mark cuts him off. 

"I love you, Hyuckie, and I'm sorry for what I said, it wasn't true." Mark stops. Donghyuck searches his eyes and finds nothing but adoration. "I love you so much that I had to try and move on." 

Donghyuck holds Mark's hand tighter. "You're not joking r-right? Fuck, Mark tell me you're serious!"

Mark wipes another tear that dares to fall. "I'm not. I've been in love with you for a few years now." Mark says with a soft smile on his face. Donghyuck is sure he's shaking again. 

Another wave of emotions hits Donghyuck, "Fuck. We messed up."

Mark laughs, wrapping his arms around Donghyuck's waist, "I love you, and I'm sorry, Duckie. I didn't mean anything I said." Mark admits, his voice wavering.

"It's okay, Mark. I have you now."

Mark groans, "No! it's not okay. I hurt you."

Donghyuck gives him a sad smile. "Then it's not okay. But it will be. We will be okay." Donghyuck says, letting his head fall onto Mark's shoulder. 

Mark kisses the side of his head. "We will be okay." He repeats. 

  
  
  


Donghyuck had checked his phone once. To him, the empty screen had said enough. But it's okay. He gets it now. He really does. 

**Author's Note:**

> uh and that's a long ass ride sbsmhdlsjcjdhd
> 
> the bracelet is a little metaphor to how their friendship works, and how its close to breaking apart forever.
> 
> also mark stopped wearing the bracelet bc he wanted to move on but it reminded him too much of hyuck. 
> 
> if you go back and read everything mark said to hyuck, you can tell he was trying to move on. mark got rlly pissed off bc he believed that hyuck wasn't in love with him, but hyuck didn't seem too happy with mark moving on, so mark got mad bc he wanted to be able to move on quickly, and getting hyucks approval would just prove that hyuck didn't like mark romantically. (clearly that didn't happen.)
> 
> i dont actually like this much bc this is just brain rot but i hope yall enjoyed this !! pls comment if you did bc im planning to just delete this sjsisksi thats all umm follow me on [my twt](https://twitter.com/bequieart?s=09)  
> since i spoil alot of my works on there before i post them (also im friendly lmaoo)
> 
> thats all ig have a great day / night (its 4am here lol) byebyeee :)) — 🌱


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